Moving on.... in, the Suns are moving on to the Western Conference Finals after demolishing the Clippers tonight. Bombing 3-pointers all over the place, playing up-tempo, crazy passes, just thoroughly fun to watch. They'll play against the Mavericks, who needed overtime to beat the Spurs. In all honesty, the Mavs should kill the Suns. Phoenix just doesn't have the depth. But I'll root for them anyway, even though my brain tells me the Mavs are on their way to a title. We'll see.

....also as in, I need to be moving on with my life. I mentioned last time that it's been nice to have a little break with nothing to worry about, no dates to really go on, no girls to stress over, no great responsibilities, just work, basketball, and generally being chill. But it's beginning to get old. I was watching the Suns game tonight with a TON of people, and couldn't help but feel a little left out. Everyone else, guys and girls alike, seemed to be involved in other conversations in addition to watching the game. Maybe I'm just too intense when sports are on (okay, definitely I'm too intense), but still, I just didn't feel very included. And there were several road trips being discussed, and I had no idea they were happening and felt a bit jealous that I wasn't asked to come (while everyone around me was telling everyone else "Hey, you should come, it'll be fun!). Well, I probably wouldn't be able to go anyway, since I have to work every single Saturday. (I haven't missed a single one in over a year. It's like 54 straight.) It's getting really old with ward activities, because they're always, always scheduled for 9am on Saturday, right when I work, and I know I can't get it off. I like my work, it's not difficult and I get to mess around online and I get paid decently, but dammit, I've never asked for ANY time off, I've basically worked six days a week for over a year straight, and I've barely got so much as a thank-you. Bah.

That paragraph ended up a little far afield from where I started it. I guess it boils down to the fact that I don't really feel like I'm making progress in my life unless I'm in a relationship or trying to pursue one. And I'm just really in limbo now and seem to have not made a good enough impression on some of the newer girls in the ward for them to want to hang out with me. I don't understand how some guys just get to be the default people to do stuff with (like, how girls always seem to come over, just to see what's up). Nobody does that with me or my apartment. This is partly because my roommates are lame/spoken for/both. It's just a bit frustrating to have to play the game, where I try to make an effort without seeming pushy. I never get the balance right -- I either end up making myself a nuisance or just not getting noticed at all. It doesn't help that the few talents I have, especially music, don't stand out very much, like when every other guy in my building plays guitar, most of them better than me, and all of them better-looking than me.

I should stop complaining and do something about it. I haven't been on a date in weeks, and I could easily ask out one of the newer girls in the ward. But it's just a bit of a bummer after times like tonight when I just feel so on the outside looking in. I have so much to offer. I wish people would see that.

[/pity party]

On the positive side, I did manage to be a good friend to a couple of people today. I'm glad to have reconciled a bit with one girl -- she was mad at me for sticking my nose where it didn't belong (namely, her status with my roommate). At least, I thought she was mad (especially from the way she yelled at me at the time), but she just needed to blow off steam and I happened to be there to take the brunt of it. I really enjoy being there for people, though, even if it's just as someone to yell at. My mom says it's a real gift I have (she was very flattering on the phone to me today, telling me that most people have to work really hard to get to the level of charity that I seem to have almost immediately. A nice thing to say, but not really true -- it's just a need I have, and it makes me happy, so it's almost like I'm being selfish by being unselfish. That made no sense. Meh.).

I don't know where I'm going with that train of thought, so I think we'll stop right there.

5 Response to Moving on....

  1. jm says:

    Sorry I didn't say hi... you seemed wrapped up in the game. And I felt kind of awkward, walking into a room of people where I only know some of them. Especially with Brian there - especially since most of them don't even know I'm dating someone. So anyway, I wasn't trying to snub you, I would have wanted to talk to you but I felt uncomfortable staying and we were on our way somewhere else anyway. We need to talk sometime - I tried to IM you yesterday but I think you must have been busy.

  2. jm says:
    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
  3. jm says:

    P.S. Try not to worry too much about things. It's true - if life feels like it's at a standstill then you should do everything you can to fix that. But sometimes it's important for us to learn to be satisfied with things as they are and not worry so much about what our next move is going to be.

  4. Shae says:

    I'm sorry you felt left out. I hate that feeling, and it's been happening all over for me lately too. In my ward, in my house, when I'm hanging out with my friends, when I'm going dancing, everywhere. I'm starting to go into hermit mode, and I don't like it much. We should have a Lost party again! You still need to finish!

  5. Shae says:

    p.s. You can come with me to baltimore in a month if you can pay your way! I would love the company on the long flight out there, and someone to bum around with when Catherine and Jason are working.