History repeats


It's a tale as old as time: boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy goes out of his way to be tremendously nice to girl, thus showing his interest, boy somehow slips inevitably into friendship with girl, girl reaches point where she could never conceive of liking boy because they're such "good friends," boy ends up with girl becoming yet another female who unburdens herself on him while taking advantage of his selflessness and giving little to nothing in return.

Maybe it's only an old tale to me.

I can't count the number of times this has happened, and it's happening again right under my nose. It's a bad sign when a girl texts you to make sure you're coming to Family Home Evening because she says you're "pals," right? Well, only if you have a crush on the girl, I guess. I've been spending an awful lot of time with this particular girl lately, taking her on dates, to dinner, to movies, and just generally being unbelievably kind. I've even done her dishes in her apartment for her (though that's mostly because I'm her roommates' home teacher and they're sort of gross and never do their own dishes, and I enjoy giving service).

And where has all this gotten me? Into the Gay Best Friend Zone again, of course. (Longtime readers of my blog, or just those who know me, will know that this is the term I use to describe my relationships with many, many different females -- I'm so nice and such a good listener and so willing to give of myself that they end up thinking of me as a "gay best friend," like you'd see in movies -- the kind that women feel comfortable telling anything to, because they know there's no chance whatsoever of things ever getting romantic. Not that I am in any way homosexual in the least. I'm not. But I might as well be, judging from the way girls act around me. But I digress.)

This young woman in question has gone out of her way, several times in the past couple of days, to call me her "friend" or "pal" as mentioned above. She keeps saying things like, "I'm really glad to have a friend like you" or "I never thought I'd meet such a good friend all the way across the country" or "Of course you're coming, because we're pals." I'd have to be a total moron not to pick up on these hints. Yes, it's great that I'm such a good friend. I'm flattered that she thinks so highly of me.

But dammit, I want her to LIKE me. I have no words to express how annoyed I am at how, time after time after time after time, I meet a girl and end up becoming best buddies with her, letting her vent to me about other potential boyfriends, while the thought never enters her head that I might be a candidate for that position. I don't know how it happens. I don't have the answer. I must be doing something wrong, because I'm gathering a HORDE of female friends, late-night ice cream buddies, textaholics, and phone pals, when sometimes (ashamed as I am to admit it) all I want is for them to shut the hell up and kiss me.

I feel like this is all I have to look forward to, for the rest of my life. But I don't know how to be any different. Am I supposed to force myself to be a jerk? Should I not answer when girls say they need to talk? Do I need to be more aloof just for the sake of being aloof, to create the impression that I don't care when I really do, to keep girls interested? It's completely against my nature to do these things. I'm far too naive, too honest, too forthright a person to deliberately put up such an obviously false front. I can't do it. Doesn't everyone say you're supposed to end up marrying your best friend? I fear, greatly, that if I don't figure this out, I will end up as everyone's best friend while nobody is mine.

To me, it's a tale as old as time. Well, time is getting pretty friggin old. I don't know how much more of this I can take.