Never say never, dude

I think a lot about causality these days. I think about the everyday choices I make, and what effect they will end up having on my life. Because I get this feeling that they play a direct role in who I am and what I do and what I am becoming. I have this notion in my head that even the tiniest things -- like what to eat for lunch, or whether to go to the restroom or not at a certain time, or a nod of the head to a stranger, or whatever -- will end up dramatically changing the course of my day or week or year or life.

I could have said something today that I think really could have changed my life. I didn't say it.

I want to see the road map, the ever-growing and changing sketch of every decision I've ever made. I wish I knew where the other choice would have led me. I want to plot out my own personal string theory, and play out every possible outcome, like reloading a quick-save on a computer game over and over until I get just the right result. Because I feel like I have all this potential, I feel like I could have been anyone other than me, if I had just been given a little inside information.

I sometimes wonder why I'm so blindly optimistic.

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