A letter

To whichever females it may concern:

Please do not hide the way you really feel because you're "afraid of hurting his feelings." Be honest, always. It will save everyone a lot of trouble in the end.

I will never hold it against you if you are honest with me. I will respect you more for respecting me and caring about me enough to tell me the truth up front. You can tell me no if I ask you out. You can tell me you're not interested. I've been rejected before. You're not the first, and you won't be the last. I can take it. And I will have a higher opinion of you for your candor.

If, on the other hand, you insist on letting me get the wrong impression, and letting me keep that impression, because you're too chicken to say how you really feel, I will be more angry. It will make things worse. It will always make things worse.

Also, do not tell me how "nice" or "sweet" I am. I know I am these things. I am tired of hearing about them. I am especially tired of hearing about them from girls who have just rejected me. They do not soften the blow.

Don't make me drag your real feelings out of you. Say what you mean. I promise I will do the same. It will be the best thing for everyone.

Thank you for your time.

(By the way, if anyone who knows anything about karma is reading this: when do I start getting a dividend for my tireless, exhaustive kindness and service to every living creature on the planet? Isn't that supposed to start bringing some good vibrations my way? Can I get a ruling on this? Because, even though I love being kind, and it's the way I'm built, and I wouldn't change it for anything, I sure would like to see some people returning the favor in my life.)

Never say never, dude

I think a lot about causality these days. I think about the everyday choices I make, and what effect they will end up having on my life. Because I get this feeling that they play a direct role in who I am and what I do and what I am becoming. I have this notion in my head that even the tiniest things -- like what to eat for lunch, or whether to go to the restroom or not at a certain time, or a nod of the head to a stranger, or whatever -- will end up dramatically changing the course of my day or week or year or life.

I could have said something today that I think really could have changed my life. I didn't say it.

I want to see the road map, the ever-growing and changing sketch of every decision I've ever made. I wish I knew where the other choice would have led me. I want to plot out my own personal string theory, and play out every possible outcome, like reloading a quick-save on a computer game over and over until I get just the right result. Because I feel like I have all this potential, I feel like I could have been anyone other than me, if I had just been given a little inside information.

I sometimes wonder why I'm so blindly optimistic.